Healing is a slow journey. It doesn't happen over night. There are steps forward, and slips back, the occasional bold and giant leap. Patience has never been my strongest virtue, especially with myself. I'm doing this book right now called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron.
I'm just starting week 8 of 12 ----
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It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I lost a hero. Anthony Bourdain to me, had the life I most aspire to. He had seemed from outward appearances to overcome his past, and personal demons and find his calling in food, writing and travel. He connected with people on a personal level, explored uncomfortable truths about history, current realities, and brought people together. He had wit, and sarcasm but also altruism, and a giddy joy for discovery. He spoke out against injustice. He loved everything from a hot dog to a fancy multi-course prefix with pairing. He could connect, with everyone with a good heart. He had no tolerance for bullies and fools. For years I have said if I could do anything/be anything, I’d be the female Anthony Bourdain. So how do you handle the loss of a hero? Someone who seems to have everything you dream of? If this strong fighter can’t deal with the state of the world anymore, how could I possibly? When you’ve spent years trying to bring people together through food, through our commonalities, trying to get everyone to see that we are all humans with the same basic joys and pains and we just need to connect. What do you do when it seems increasingly that hatred, greed and fear are winning? When the world seems more and more divided? How do you not lose hope? It’s dark right now. Every day I read the news and it just seems worse. There comes a time in grief where you cease to feel (at least for me) the pain is so great that you just go numb and thinking and doing is impossible. My grandmother Dorothy Neils died yesterday. February18th 2018. With exception to my father, my relationship with my grandmother is probably my most complicated. I loved her deeply, and she did irreversible damage to me over the years. To me she was always a wonder, exceptionally smart, witty, driven, beautiful, classy, exceptional in the kitchen, hard working…. entitled, judgmental and hard. I think I have spent most of my life striving to please her and make her proud. She was for many years the sole female influence. Dating shouldn't feel like Mordor. But man this shit can be terrifying. I feel like I'm surrounded by orcs and goblins trapped in a big swamp with ghosts of dead things haunting me. I'm searching for meaningful friendship, and love which is beautiful holding on to that vision that it exists. I'm out to destroy my fears and past patterns when it comes to dating. The New Year is off to a bumpy start. I seem to get sick twice a year. In January and around September... so sure enough, I'm down with it. Stress weakens the immune system and work has just been too darn stressful lately. Started with a cold, and now I've the flu on top of it. Blech. So now I'm drowning myself in Tea, Broth and Ginger Ale and trying to sleep it off. I'm trying not to be completely miserable though, and am making an effort to be creative and connect. Which are two of my big focuses for the year.
My new manager at work gave me a lovely set of gel pens for Christmas so I started a project of drawing flowers for friends. I love this because it lets me do both. I spent the last hour of 2017 in the bath with candles burning, music playing with the sound of fireworks booming around the neighborhood. I’m fighting a cold, with aching muscles from shoveling several feet of snow and wishing I could soak those ailments, and all the of poor life choices away. As the clock approached midnight Sia’s ‘Breathe Me’ came on my Pandora station. Pretty much the perfect song of how I’m feeling. I wish that upon rising up out of the water into 2018 all the problems washed down the drain, a clean start for a clean year… of course that's not how life works. I still have this stupid cold, work stress, debt, physical, and emotional pain, and seem to be perpetually single, always falling for men who can’t seem to love me back. I’d like to break these patterns. I’d like to find some level of peace and happiness and balance. I’d like to find love. I’ve never been kissed on New Years Eve… at least not by a boyfriend. On those new years where I’ve been in a relationship there’s always been some reason we weren’t together, one of us working, traveling… whatever. Its one of those bucket list things… be kissed, passionately by someone who I love, who loves me on New Years, to start the year with love. The past few years I’ve set all these high stakes, goals, and resolutions. It’s not worked out…. In fact its all fallen horribly apart. So I’m just going to work on being better, healing, moment by moment, bit by bit, finding balance, finding the new me in this new life, beyond the trauma of the last few years, finding some happiness, exploring ways of making art… and maybe, hopefully if I’m lucky, finding some love, and peace. Happy New Year.
Winter blahs. I’m struggling and not going to lie about it. Work isn’t going great, I kept hoping it would get better, that I’d find my groove, that I’d fit in, that I’d be doing and given a chance to do the things that I told them at the start that I’m good at. I’m not. I’m doing things I’m terrible at, math, codes, data entry, stuff that I told them from the start I’m bad at. Every day I feel like an idiot and am chastised for doing something wrong, not catching something I was supposed, to or not being fast enough, or whatever else I do wrong. I feel like I’m failing, every day. It’s exhausting and disheartening. The idea of finding something else is exhausting too. I own that I’m a perfectionist… that type A personality rears its head. If I don't do well at something rather quickly my instinct is to give up. I want a certain amount of ease and effortlessness in life and want my efforts and accomplishments acknowledged. This is a pattern throughout my life. I’m trying to be better. Not take things personally, not care so much. It’s been 6 months, so maybe it’s just not the right fit. I want it to be. I still feel like I’m learning the various programs and codes and layouts and it’s just a lot. I’m discouraged. I don’t like coming home defeated every night and being a depressed ball all weekend. Alone. It’s not good.
I’m on soup 4 on my journey. So far it’s been a journey of what’s on hand, using up odds and ends in the fridge and pantry. Tight budget yada yada…
Beets are a favorite in my family. Sweet and earthy with beautiful color I love playing with beets in the kitchen. Dad used to make Borscht and it was a soup I always enjoyed. His contained predominately beets, carrots, tomatoes and cabbage, he’d use chicken stock and he’d top it with a big scoop of sour cream.
I wanted to make a vegetarian/vegan version and up the heartiness and veggie content. It turned out amazing. Really I’m kind of in love with this stew. |
About the BlogI've been blogging on and off for years. This is my area to explore healing, food, wine, travel and various thoughts on life. My goal: Be True. Be Kind. Heal. Dream. Inspire. Discover. Create. Archives
May 2023
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