​Winter blahs. I’m struggling and not going to lie about it. Work isn’t going great, I kept hoping it would get better, that I’d find my groove, that I’d fit in, that I’d be doing and given a chance to do the things that I told them at the start that I’m good at. I’m not. I’m doing things I’m terrible at, math, codes, data entry, stuff that I told them from the start I’m bad at. Every day I feel like an idiot and am chastised for doing something wrong, not catching something I was supposed, to or not being fast enough, or whatever else I do wrong. I feel like I’m failing, every day. It’s exhausting and disheartening. The idea of finding something else is exhausting too. I own that I’m a perfectionist… that type A personality rears its head. If I don't do well at something rather quickly my instinct is to give up. I want a certain amount of ease and effortlessness in life and want my efforts and accomplishments acknowledged. This is a pattern throughout my life.  I’m trying to be better. Not take things personally, not care so much.  It’s been 6 months, so maybe it’s just not the right fit. I want it to be. I still feel like I’m learning the various programs and codes and layouts and it’s just a lot. I’m discouraged. I don’t like coming home defeated every night and being a depressed ball all weekend. Alone. It’s not good. 

​I’m on soup 4 on my journey. So far it’s been a journey of what’s on hand, using up odds and ends in the fridge and pantry. Tight budget yada yada…

​Beets are a favorite in my family. Sweet and earthy with beautiful color I love playing with beets in the kitchen.  Dad used to make Borscht and it was a soup I always enjoyed. His contained predominately beets, carrots, tomatoes and cabbage, he’d use chicken stock and he’d top it with a big scoop of sour cream.
 
I wanted to make a vegetarian/vegan version and up the heartiness and veggie content. It turned out amazing. Really I’m kind of in love with this stew. 

​Necessity is the mother of invention, so they say.
I’ve started this soup challenge… of course right now I’m broke so I’m limited to what is on hand in the fridge and pantry. So that means getting creative. 

​Winter has come in Montana. Mom has left for Borrego. I am alone, again. The snow falls down, the grief sets in, along with the anxiety of life choices and crippling self doubt.  I combat these dark hellish feelings with self-care as best I might:  do my nails, color, take baths, spend hours escaping into Netflix and Pinterest, and I cook.