Winter blahs. I’m struggling and not going to lie about it. Work isn’t going great, I kept hoping it would get better, that I’d find my groove, that I’d fit in, that I’d be doing and given a chance to do the things that I told them at the start that I’m good at. I’m not. I’m doing things I’m terrible at, math, codes, data entry, stuff that I told them from the start I’m bad at. Every day I feel like an idiot and am chastised for doing something wrong, not catching something I was supposed, to or not being fast enough, or whatever else I do wrong. I feel like I’m failing, every day. It’s exhausting and disheartening. The idea of finding something else is exhausting too. I own that I’m a perfectionist… that type A personality rears its head. If I don't do well at something rather quickly my instinct is to give up. I want a certain amount of ease and effortlessness in life and want my efforts and accomplishments acknowledged. This is a pattern throughout my life. I’m trying to be better. Not take things personally, not care so much. It’s been 6 months, so maybe it’s just not the right fit. I want it to be. I still feel like I’m learning the various programs and codes and layouts and it’s just a lot. I’m discouraged. I don’t like coming home defeated every night and being a depressed ball all weekend. Alone. It’s not good.
Life choices… life choices.. Why are these so hard? Life is short. You can’t control it. Jobs and people come and go. I look at people who are able to maintain a jobs and relationships for 10 – 15 years and wonder how on earth they do it. I have a restless nature. I’m not good at settling in, and endless repetition. This is one of the multitudes of reasons that I like acting…most plays or films last a few months, maybe a year, and then you are on to the next. Cooking is great for this too… Endless variety and exploration. Have you seen that meme that asks you to pick fictional characters that best resemble you? Here's mine.
The thing about these characters is that despite hard times they keep a certain element of humor and hope about them. They are driven by some longing to create and belong and have big dreams of what their life could be.
I find myself most longing for my friends (who are predominately in Seattle). These people who get me, who knew me before all the trauma, who still remember that person and see her in me. When I’m with them I feel like that version of myself… not just the broken, frazzled thing I am now, scrambling for some sort of normalcy. Who wants to be friends with a shattered thing? I long for Seattle itself, the Puget Sound, the mountains, the little pocket neighborhoods with such personality, the salty air. The Seattle of 10-20 years ago… it’s a different thing now, much like I am different…. We were both better versions of ourselves. That’s life I suppose. You evolve, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
The Seattle of 10-20 years ago… it’s a different thing now, much like I am different…. We were both better versions of ourselves. That’s life I suppose. You evolve, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. The Seattle I love has been taken over by Google, Amazon and other tech companies. Favorite funky neighborhoods like Captiol Hill, Fremont and Ballard have been gentrified beyond recognition. Favorite shops and restaurants keep closing because they cant keep up with the costs. I hope Seattle finds itself again. I hope I find myself again.
When I think of Seattle and the things I love I think of it’s food and many awesome restaurants. I think of Clam chowder. I’ve been craving this for days. Ivar’s on Lake Union. One of my favorite dates, with my favorite ex, we went out on his boat and puttered around Lake Union and went to the Ivar’s Salmon House one of the iconic Seattle restaurants with some of the best views. Ivar’s chowder is rich and creamy and not at all healthy. Time to cook...
I am trying, in my healing journey here in Montana, to make better life choices. I’m actually down about 18 pounds since moving back to Kalispell. So as much as I long for Ivar’s chowder I’m determined to find a healthier version that isn’t all milk and cream and potatoes. I’ve added a few more veggies and used a combination of stock and half and half. I think visually it’s more interesting and quite tasty.
About the Blog
I've been blogging on and off for years. This is my area to explore healing, food, wine, travel and various thoughts on life. My goal: Be True. Be Kind. Heal. Dream. Inspire. Discover. Create.