​I begin again. And again. And again. The road is paved with good intensions. I had this grand plan when I moved home, to be better. To write more, be more creative, be vibrant.  None of that has worked out terribly well.
I’ve been in therapy now almost two years (almost as long as I’ve been home). Sometimes I feel like it’s one of those things where you are worse before you feel better. Unpacking, unraveling, unearthing layers and layers of trauma and trauma reactions and behaviors. Connecting with parts, all the parts, versions of me from the past all clamoring for attention to address the many woes.  Healing is exhausting. My body seems to be manifesting physical reactions to various mental griefs.  Kidney stones, menorrhagia (worse), Reaggravated back injury, new SI joint injury, hypertension and now a torn calf muscle. I really hope I get to the point where I can just be healthy, and happy.
I’m doing little things to this end. I’ve started reading again… I try to mix the learning books (mostly about health, trauma, sensitivity etc), with fun fiction… but I will own to being avoidant of late of going too deep, too heavy. Because let’s face it, things feel like an ever-increasing shit show, in my life, and as the country becomes an authoritarian fascist police state ruled by an oligarchy class and maniacal dictator want to be. People in cages, people being hung, people being shot, people losing rights, people losing their businesses, tariffs making everything incredibly expensive, student loans, medical debt, credit card debts… the overwhelming feeling like I’ll never make it out from any of it.  We’ve upped my anti-depressants. I’ve downloaded some mental health app called Finch which gives you points for doing things that are good for you.  I’ve been learning Spanish on Duolingo… trying desperately to not just wallow. I try to spend at least 15 minutes in movement/exercise… this is limited by all my maladies but I’m trying to find things that work for me that I can do.
I’m isolated. This is I think in large part by choice. I don’t know that it’s a good choice.  My lifestyle has changed, I don’t really go to bars anymore, stay out late, avoid crowds. Outside of work I don’t really see or meet people. I ponder taking some sort of class… but that costs money. Where else does someone go to meet people anymore if you don’t want to go to a bar? What do I contribute that would make me of interest to anyone? That sounds darker than I perhaps mean for it to be. Still … having a time of introspection and self-work just feels like the best course of action. How does one start? Doing what I can I suppose a little bit every day to be better, physically, mentally, financially, etc.
My Aunt died a week ago. I didn’t know her well. There’s feeling alone in that… drudged up from being kept from everyone. My grief is largely that my mother is in grief. I met a cousin at work… that always feels awkward as bits of family history are talked about happily, when I know nothing about it or anyone. So how much of my self-isolation is because being isolated is what I know and don’t know how to break out of it? I’ve been going through old family recipes and typing them up. Reflecting on those I remember.  I’ll post some.
So this beginning again… I’m not going to be fancy, not do any mind-blowing studies, quoting other sources, or make it fancy… just a journal of thoughts… I’m going to try and write in at least once a week.  (Ideally three) But I’m doing my best to make small obtainable goals that are not overwhelming. “Baby Steps” as Bill Murrays character says in ‘What about Bob’.
So hello. Here I am again. Determined to press on and do the work and keep healing.
 

Meat and Vegetable Lasagna
A healthier lasagna with lots of vegetables. Comfort food while still having some nutrition
​
Craving lasagna after my coworker talked about the one her mother-in-law had made, I decided I needed to make one. I wanted to make it healthier than just your usual mostly meat and cheese, so I added a lot of vegetables.  If you are sad and need a distraction, this is a nice time time-consuming project. It is labor-intensive and takes several hours to do all the elements and assemble, and cook.

Mardi Gras might be over a month away. But I was craving some Gumbo... also I had most of the ingredients in my pantry already. 
Is Gumbo a soup? I mean maybe its debatable since its served over rice some might call it a sauce... One could very easily eat it without rice though and then it would for sure be a soup.  I'm counting it as one. 
You can put many things in Gumbo.. I like andouille sausage, chicken and shrimp in mine and lots of okra. 

​Recipe below: 

Ingredients:

1 cup olive oil
1 cup all purpose flour
1 sweet onion diced
1 bunch celery (about 6 stalks) diced
1 red pepper diced
3 Roma tomatoes diced
2 Tbs minced garlic
4 chicken thighs chopped
4 andouille sausages sliced into coin shape
3 cups frozen sliced okra
6 large cooked prawns peeled and deveined with tails removed diced.
1 Tbs Cajun seasoning
1 Tbs Smoked Paprika
1 Tbs Tarragon
3 Tbs better than bullion chicken
1 Tbs better than bullion vegetable
2 Tbs tomato paste
5 cups water   

Make the dark roux. Cook oil and flour until the color of a penny or chocolate milk. About 30 minutes on medium heat .

Add the onion, celery and pepper (green is traditional but I like red better) cook till starting to soften

Add the garlic and raw chicken stir in and let cook a few more minutes. Add in the sausage and okra, spices, tomato paste and better than bullion. Mix thoroughly.

Add in the water. Cover and simmer a minimum of two hours. Stirring occasionally. A few minutes before serving add the cooked shrimp.

Adjust seasonings to your liking.

Serve with rice.
​Enjoy! 

Is it slightly similar to soup 5... In that it has a type of squash, coconut milk and curry... yes... but this one is actually much fancier and nuanced in flavor. It has a combination of squash Butternut and what I think was acorn...or some weird hybrid (it came from my garden). The apples add a lovely sweetness and instead of the thai red curry a japanese curry is used here.  

​Recipe below: 

Soup is such a comfort food. This one was especially comforting, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to do a loaded baked potato soup or a potato leek soup and so I created this hybrid of both. 
​I was sad when it was gone. 

Recipe below

There is a restaurant in seattle called Paseo. It has a sandwich that when I first tried it made me cry it was so incredibly good. This is going to be a longer post because it is a food of love and requires patience. It is worth it.  Over the years I've fiddled and fooled around trying to come close to the original and made it my own. 

I made this because one of my best friends had surgery just before christmas and I wanted to make her food to feed her (and her family) for a few meals so she didn't have to worry about it. Food is 100% my love language. I don't feel like I'm particularly good at giving gifts, Food, Music, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service are my main love languages. My friends son (who is also my friend of course) said it was "the best sandwich he ever had"

You can serve this meat on a sandwich, or over rice or even make tacos. If you don't like garlic and onions just stop reading now. This had obscene sexy quantities of both.  Also I would put the sauce on everything. 

Without more jabbering click read more to see the recipe and steps: 

I'm going to be honest... I kind of failed on this one. I usually take copious notes while I'm inventing things so I can remake it again... this time I failed I was just sort of tired and on autopilot which is a shame because it turned out very tasty. (Though maybe not altogether pretty) 

Turkey Tortellini. This is one of those kitchen sink soups. Big key notes are:
About 5 cups of the turkey bone broth,
maybe 2 cups of turkey,
a package of dried tortellini,
a couple TBS of tomato paste,
1/2 Sweet onion onion,
1 leek,
1/3 fennel,
2 stics celery,
2 carrot,
1 red pepper,
paprika, cumin, bay leaves, red wine, better than bullion vegetable,Worcestershire-sauce, and salt and pepper (all these are to taste) 

My work gives us a Turkey every year for Thanksgiving. I still had my Turkey from last year and figured before crowding our little freezer with another Turkey I should cook the old one. I had a little friendsgiving with some of my friends. I used to get together with my college friends for Thanksgiving and it was always a better time than the ones I had growing up. As a result it Friendsgiving has become a favorite holiday. 

Having lived in and around Indigenous reservations the actual holiday has become to be somewhat problematic in my mind, but thoughts on that another time. Problems in origin aside, it is a time to be thankful for what we have and the people in our lives. 

Having made a big feast and roasted the bird ( a little dry alas). I then proceeded to do the thing I always do when I roast a turkey, chicken or duck... I make stock. I froze about half of it and about half the remaining meat. There was a lot (3 people didn't make much of a dent in a 16 pound bird. ) I saved the other half and made two other soups with it. This was the first.  A creamy turkey noodle soup. 

Recipe below:

Needing all the comfort next up was a creamy tomato basil soup with is mandatory to serve with a grilled cheese. I don't make the rules. This is a good tradition and should not be broken. I like a combination of fresh, canned and paste tomatoes, and a surprise red pepper for texture and flavor. I also use both half & half and cream cheese to make it creamy. 

It's really good. If I wasn't on a mission to make new soups each week I might just circle back to this one now that its February and I made it in November.  My back was not so happy the week that I did this soup so it too is a relatively easy effort . A little vegetable chopping but mostly just simmering.

Recipes below:  

Despite my injury and pain, having been through all this in 2009 I'm rather accustomed to just chipping away at things and taking many breaks. In montana the week and after of Halloween is the first big cold spell and often first snow. I wanted something hardy and Lamb stew is about as hardy as it gets.  Again, I add a bit more vegetables than many recipes call for.  The addition of Brandy makes it a bit more grown up. Some folk like beer .. guiness especially but I find I'm just not much of a beer person. The Brandy makes it a little elevated.  This made a huge pot and I ended up freezing several portions that I've been able to take out randomly and heat up quickly this winter for a tasty quick dinner . 

Recipe Below: