Dating shouldn't feel like Mordor. But man this shit can be terrifying. I feel like I'm surrounded by orcs and goblins trapped in a big swamp with ghosts of dead things haunting me. I'm searching for meaningful friendship, and love which is beautiful holding on to that vision that it exists. I'm out to destroy my fears and past patterns when it comes to dating.
I've been on POF for two weeks and I've had some really rotten luck. I'm probably going to delete it. There was the guy I went on a date with, who ended up being a convict and went hostile after his "I'm horny, Let's fuck baby" text which I declined, who then called me a "fat ass"... the multiple offers for hookups, and messages that I'm hot with no real substance... now the guy I thought had such promise, and I had such hope for sen't me a "I'm horny" text in the middle of the night, and has since called me a "total prude" after I expressed my sadness at what I construed as disregard and disrespect after all the things I had told him about my past.
I'm not a prude. I could provide a rather lengthy list of reasons why not, and references to back me if it boiled down to it. I'm just at that point where sex isn't enough. I want emotional intimacy and connection, I want something meaningful. I will rush quickly, headlong and heart open into friendship if I feel there are commonalities and connection. I am slower to rush into love and physical intimacy.
So... I'm a fat assed, total prude, who is just seeking for someone to get me and accept me and love me as I am. I had a cry. Not a long one... I mean how long can one cry over a person you've known less than a week? The tears were for my own silly dashed hope that saw a possible future with someone who I seemed to have so much in common with, the possible adventures, the possible art created together. How does a person one day praise someone for their kindness and romantic nature and then just days later be so heartless and crass?
I always refer to myself as a hopeful romantic. Its hard not to break down and turn into a hopeless romantic when it seems like I'm a magnet for narcissists and users. Why do I go slow? Because experience has taught me that asshole men can keep up a charade for a week, sometimes two, but soon their true colors show. To have real conversation where it's not all about sex, that takes intelligence and feeling. Usually I'm better at seeing the warning signs and not getting so smitten... this one had charming skill.... or maybe my defenses, like my immune system were down with the flu.
I do, despite not wanting to rush, long for love. I may be broken, scared, skittish and often neurotic, I may need frequent reassurance and gentleness. My Chinese astrological sign is a horse and I often empathize with horse behavior. A horse (or any animal for that matter) that has been abused and scarred can be wild, and will buck, and bite and often run away when you get to close... they want affection, but they want it on their terms. I get that. When you go from one abusive relationship to another, to another, and on and on... that hope for gentleness and love is still there but with it is a greater fear and a longer journey. It would be easy to give up and grow bitter and resentful.... I really don't want to go down that path though. I remember my Father, and I pause.
I want a healthy relationship of value. I know they exist. I have multiple friends who are in them. I don't know that I've ever been awesome at it, but having witnessed them I'm really trying. Wouldn't it be lovely to go through life with someone? I have amazing friendships. Why does amazing love elude me? There are women who are larger than me in relationships, women with a longer, more messed up history who have even more scars, they have found patient, loving men. Why not me?
I have a young, dear, friend, with an old soul, who lately I seem to talk to more than just about anyone. We both to be of a somewhat sad nature... because... life. We find good quotes and songs and send them to one another. I often turn to Pinterest. Below are some more quotes I found that further express where I'm at.
About the Blog
I've been blogging on and off for years. This is my area to explore healing, food, wine, travel and various thoughts on life. My goal: Be True. Be Kind. Heal. Dream. Inspire. Discover. Create.