Matters of the Heart

I love Sia. So many of her songs speak to me on a core level. I’ve been listing to my Pandora “Chill” station that features her a lot lately. (I made it public so if you want to check it out go here Erica's Chill Station) I have commitment issues with a lot of things but Pandora is forever. I’ve spent way to much time thumbing up and thumbing down and cultivating my stations.  Anyway I’m thinking of the song Elastic Heart tonight ( See Video) Song Lyrics are at the Bottom of the post.
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I haven’t written in ages because… well.. I’m in a rather dark place and I’m trying to sort it out. I’m trying to re-find myself. It’s slow going. After Dad died I sort of stopped writing, the occasional thing, here and there, but not really delving into anything deep. It’s been a dark place for 2 years now and I’m ready for some light. But it’s hard. Major life stressors and changes, giving up (if hopefully only temporarily) on dreams, loss etc. It wears a person out. I haven’t dated since Vegas guy…. (cliff-notes: signed up for match.com before moving to LA… met this guy who lived near San Francisco, thought he was great, he seemed to think I was great, we met in Vegas, he was amazing, spoiled me silly, so sweet and gentle and lovely… Dad started acting up and getting bad and the guy ghosted me).  After Dad died well I just didn’t feel up to it.. grief is like that. So now 2 years later, I’m slowly starting to think about it.  I’ve signed up for some dating sites and have had a couple conversations. I think I’ve forgotten how to flirt, or date, or maybe interact with men at all.  I know that I have an awful track record… like really some bad life choices when it comes to men. But, there have been some really wonderful ones as well that I’m still friends with and care for greatly…. The thing is though… they didn’t choose me in the end. Sometimes on reflecting that is really hard.
 
When I was younger (19/20) I had this crazy long wish list of what I wanted my ideal partner to be. I read it to a friend of mine once who now happens to be a psychologist and he looked at me with a tilt of his head and said… well I don’t know what he said exactly but it was the gentlest way of saying try to be more realistic and that doesn’t exist. Mike’s a really, really good friend who has seem me through so much.
 
Well then at 21 I was raped twice in 6 months. I’ve briefly talked about this before but I’m a bit triggered tonight so it’s on my mind. This is a truth for 1 in 3 women, rape and domestic violence. .. which is an awful fucking statistic. It’s impacted every single male relationship I’ve had since then.  For whatever reason and lord knows I can’t tell you why, some men seem to hyper-sexualize me. Who knows maybe they do it to all women? I don’t know, but it’s super awkward. I’ve been told I “have that energy”…  that I “ooze sex” that I cause them to think “un-pure thoughts” . Seriously?!  What The Fuck. I’ve ranged from a size 14-24 to my current 20 since the time I was 18. I’m not, nor have I ever been small. The smallest size I remember reaching was a 10 my freshman year in High School and a 12 when I was 20… I was pretty much starving myself and working out on the tread mill for 2 hours every day… so no, not healthy…  While it’s nice that there are men out there that appreciate the voluptuous, it’s super frustrating that they want to have sex but don’t want to have a relationship.  I don’t know why Men feel like the bad boy, rough guy is sexy… it’s not. At least I don’t find it so, but for whatever reason it’s like a plague of behavior. Somehow they think, I’m going to act tough and rude and ignore the things you ask me to do and push you to do things you don't want to do and raise my hand to you if you don't do them. Then pass it off as play. What really sucks is that so many of them seem nice at the start. That's how they get us, they seem like nice thoughtful guys… and then they make us feel crazy by treating us like jerks and making us feel like we did something wrong, that somehow its our fault.  It’s abuse. Many of us who have survived rape have a pattern of attracting just this sort of guy.  I’m really tired of feeling crazy, I’m really tired of abusive relationships.
 
Mike would be proud of me (I hope anyway).. my 3 or 4 page list from my younger years has gone down to something that would fill a 3x5 card. Sometimes I wonder if it’s still impossible because it feels like it. I’ve ditched the over 6ft rule and the green eyes, and the red hair (Ok… I was obsessed with Outlander way before it was a TV series… the books are way better btw), He doesn’t have to be British/Scottish/Welsh or Irish (though let’s be real I’m still quite partial to UK varietals of men)
 
So what’s my list?
 
Honesty. Loyalty. Gentleness. Communicative. Attentive. Good Work/Life Balance. Open Minded. Generous. Gregarious (I’m honestly, quite an introvert so it’s good to have someone who pulls me out of my shell). Loves to Travel. Culinary Curious. Patient. Passionate. Responsible. Intelligent. Mutual Affection. Accepting. Respectful. Creative. Stable. Drug Free. Tobacco Free. Minimal Alcohol.
 
I want to believe this person exists. I hope for him. I’m almost 40 so the hope is starting to feel a bit farfetched. Nights like tonight when I feel like crying over disappointment.
 
Elastic Heart - Sia:
And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might've got to be with one
Why not fight this war without weapons?
And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart
And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, I won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
And I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart