New Year

I spent the last hour of 2017 in the bath with candles burning, music playing with the sound of fireworks booming around the neighborhood. I’m fighting a cold, with aching muscles from shoveling several feet of snow and wishing I could soak those ailments, and all the of poor life choices away. As the clock approached midnight Sia’s ‘Breathe Me’ came on my Pandora station. Pretty much the perfect song of how I’m feeling. I wish that upon rising up out of the water into 2018 all the problems washed down the drain, a clean start for a clean year… of course that's not how life works. I still have this stupid cold, work stress, debt, physical, and emotional pain, and seem to be perpetually single, always falling for men who can’t seem to love me back. I’d like to break these patterns. I’d like to find some level of peace and happiness and balance. I’d like to find love. I’ve never been kissed on New Years Eve… at least not by a boyfriend. On those new years where I’ve been in a relationship there’s always been some reason we weren’t together, one of us working, traveling… whatever. Its one of those bucket list things… be kissed, passionately by someone who I love, who loves me on New Years, to start the year with love. The past few years I’ve set all these high stakes, goals, and resolutions. It’s not worked out…. In fact its all fallen horribly apart. So I’m just going to work on being better, healing, moment by moment, bit by bit, finding balance, finding the new me in this new life, beyond the trauma of the last few years, finding some happiness, exploring ways of making art… and maybe, hopefully if I’m lucky, finding some love, and peace. Happy New Year.