The repetitive pattern of unrequited love.

Would that it were not so, but I, am bad at love. Persistently hopeful, yet increasingly hopeless. I flounder, stuck in a repetitive pattern of unrequited love and being drawn to the unavailable.  They say being aware of the pattern is the first step... Well, I'm aware of it. ... painfully.

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Each time it feels different, each time I think ... well maybe this time.... Then sure enough. Deja vu. "I love you" "I know...". (GOD DAMN IT ALL STAR WARS... If I'm Han Soloed one more time... I think I'll lose my mind). 

​ I love you... but not like that. 

This pattern has been going on from High School.. I can't seem to break it.
1. Meet guy
2. Flirt with guy... things seem to be going well.
3. a. Inevitably I do/say something wrong and fuck it up.
or
3b. Guys friends, deem me not good enough
​(or some horrible combination of a&b)
4. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to prove that I'm sorry for the thing I did/said wrong and/or trying to prove myself to said guy and his friends. 
5. I make an ass out of myself and feel worse than before. 

There are romantic notions about love that is difficult. Romeo and Juliet (of the same name), Laurie and Joe (Little Women), Echo and Narcissus (Greek Myths), Eponine and Marius (Les Miserables), Pip and Estella (Great Expectations), Eowyn and Aragorn (Lord of the Rings), Severus Snape and Lilly Potter (Harry Potter).  Pretty much every Peanuts character ever. 

Unrequited love is an ongoing theme in classic literature (I'm a sucker for the Romantic period and it's an especially commonplace subject in its tomes.)
Like the concept that art is only valid if you struggle, there is a similar ingrained, programed concept for love. Love is only real if you have to fight for it, there must be some challenge, some obstacle to overcome. 
You have to convince the person to love you, that you are worthy.

Obviously that's utter bullshit.

There's an equally ongoing theme of love at first sight, serendipitous moments bringing people together magically and bam... thats it.. LOVE. Easy, uncomplicated, free flowing magic. They see each other from across a crowded room... 

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I know absolutely nothing about that sort of love. It, like being a millionaire, has always been in the "That must be nice, I'd like to try it" category. 

I've been working with affirmations lately. Things like:
I am loved and am worthy of love. 
EEK.. There is massive amounts of negative self talk that comes up in response to that little statement:
​No, I'm Not!
I'm broken!
I'm fat!
I'm poor!
I'm traumatized!
I'm difficult!
I'm ugly!
​I'm a failure!
I say and do the wrong thing constantly!
I'm a 41 yr old living with her mother!
WHO COULD POSSIBLY LOVE ME?!?!
I AM NEVER THE ONE THEY CHOOSE!!!
​I am like so many pieces of shattered glass that can never be put together into something whole and valuable. 

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So obviously in the journey of healing thats step one.... Get it through my head that despite all of the above things...
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of clear, frequent communication.
I am worthy of time.
I am worthy of tenderness.
I am worthy of passion.
I am worthy of loyalty. 
I am worthy of happiness.
I am worthy of romance. 
I am worthy of abundance. 
I am worthy of being safe and secure. 
​I am worthy of forgiveness for my past mistakes.
I am worthy of healing from my past traumas. 

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I really hope I can now move on from this lesson.... it's really hard to not make it about me being a miserable, undesirable failure each time it happens.

It should be said that I love that I have wonderful friendships with most of the men I've fallen into unrequited crushes at. Most of them are pretty remarkable men. Some of my best friends started out this way. I suppose that is one thing I can confidently say. I am good at adapting. It may not be the love I initially wanted, but love in all of it's forms is beautiful, and one of the best lessons is accepting friendship, and love in however it comes (so long as it's healthy). I've maintained friendships with former beau in this manner also. Things change, sometimes hurt, and anger make us forget, but I think once you love someone, you generally** always love them.

Maybe next time I'll get it right. I'm gonna take a break from love for a while though. Reflect a bit more, heal a bit more, rediscover who I am now a bit more. Maybe I'll stop saying and doing the wrong things (unlikely), Maybe I'll find someone who will love me anyway, even though I'm still on the journey. 

*​*abusive, manipulative, narcissistic assholes can go jump off a tall cliff onto something pointy.