I had a moment the other day where I stopped and realized I was happy. It was an odd sensation, something unfamiliar. In the last 5 years of overwhelming grief, stress, trauma and survival there have been fleeting moments, here, and there, of joy. The moment would pass and I'd go back to scrambling, trying desperately to catch my breath.
My path has never been clear, my way never straight, and narrow, no neat order. My path is wild, untamed, and uncertain.....
Someone I love dearly tells me frequently to "Be good". It always irks me terribly, for all that I love him. For what does that mean exactly? To be told to be good, infers I'm being bad. That I'm doing something I shouldn't. That I should follow some structure? Some rules? fall in line? do what I'm told?
Never tell a wild woman to be good. Her idea of good and yours may not be the same. Her idea of good is to be wild, and free, and follow her heart.... and yes, that can mean breaking some rules, growing, and blossoming someplace unexpected, and not in the way society thinks she should.
I'd much rather be bold, be daring, be happy, be mischievous, be messy. Art is messy, life is messy, love ... is messy. The more you try and control it, the more miserable you will be. At least, this is what I have found for me.
This is not to say that I don't like a little order and routine. I have a pattern to my days, a little stability in an otherwise jumble. I like this stability. It's like my Aunts garden... or as it turns out, my own... controlled chaos. Theres a balance. Setting boundaries, laying out a loose plan, scattering the seeds, watering regularly, and seeing what grows. I have a rose bush that is rather the same. Wild, but blooming profusely, in a domestic setting.
My own blossoming has been slow. I find myself focusing more and more on gratitude, and affirmations. Every morning before getting out of bed, I write 10 things I'm grateful for and 10 affirmations. I find this little act slowly transforming my life. I'm examining what brings me joy and allowing myself to do those things. I'm looking at what makes me miserable, or no longer serves me, and getting rid of those things.
My 20 Things/Activities that make me happy.
1. Gardening - I want to grow all the things. I love going out every day and seeing the small but steady progress.
2. Karaoke - This is my Friday night release. I get to sing, see some of my favorite people, and just unwind... and free my voice.
3. Drawing/Art - Though I've not been doing much of it... I color, which is good too... but not the same. I need to do more of it.
4. Cooking - Cooking to me is a zen meditation. The chopping of vegetables, the stirring of the pot, the magic of adjusting seasonings just so... I made tabouli today (one of my favorite summer "salads" using multiple herbs from my garden.
5. Being at/on the lake/river (by water). I need to find a way of doing this more. I am grateful for our little slough I see every day.
6. Acting - I've now not done this in a couple of years... and it's starting to feel like it's time.
7. Walks - Mom and I went on a walk through the park by the river, its one of my favorite walks, so good to see things blooming, walk through the dappled light from the trees and hear and see the river. I also need to do more of this.
8. Photography/Modeling - I enjoy being both behind and in front of the camera and need to find a way to do more of it.
9. Dinner Parties - We never have them, our space is a bit wonky for it, but I'd like to start. I love cooking for people I care about and gathering around a table with good conversation and laughter.
10. Travel - This too I've not done in ages because of finances...but I long for the day I can take my next trip.
11. Dancing - Another thing I don't really do any more. I used to love belly dance and swing dance, and various other forms...
12. Shopping - finances prevent me from doing much beyond grocery shopping (which I still love), but I do like antiquing, and looking at clothes etc.
13. Eating out - also something I don't do much due to finances... I dream of sushi... I need a sushi daddy ... lol.. I love exploring restaurants and getting inspiration for culinary things.
14. Writing - Here I am... writing... trying to find my way back into it after so long.
15. Game nights/bocce - Along with the dinner parties I love having people over to play games, card, board, lawn... gather, laugh, eat with people I love.
16. Watching TV... ok so it's frivolous, and all but I love escaping into stories on the screen from the comfort of my living room.
17. Reading - ok so I guess I like to escape into stories. I also enjoy exploring different writing styles and use of the english language.
18. Road Trips - along with travel... this is slightly less expensive but something I still rarely do... and should.
19. Listening to music - Why yes I do have 22 different pandora stations, something for every mood. I love how music effects me and moves me.
20. Pinterest - Yes I'm an addict... yes I have a crazy amount of boards... digital dream boards... I like to dream.
So I'm trying to do these things more. I'm trying to embrace the mantra "I am worthy of happiness". And allow myself to bloom, and be wild.
What makes you happy? Go do those things! You too are worthy of happiness and blooming.
About the Blog
I've been blogging on and off for years. This is my area to explore healing, food, wine, travel and various thoughts on life. My goal: Be True. Be Kind. Heal. Dream. Inspire. Discover. Create.