I've been in a funk... the combination of starting a new job and feeling insecure with learning new information, receiving bad news (betrayal of someone I thought was a friend), physical pain, not sleeping well, and starting the therapy journey and thinking about all the life time traumas. 

I slept a lot this weekend... which I suppose is good since I slept poorly all week. Today I decided to actually do something fun/creative and make Moussaka. 

​It may not be the prettiest thing.. but it sure is tasty and very comforting. 

Mom harvested more Rhubarb last night. I went to bed pondering Rhubarb possibilities. 

​I thought about one of my favorite desserts sticky toffee pudding and thought to myself... what about Rhubarb and Rum... a pinterest search revealed many delicious sounding cocktails but not much in the way of recipes. Well I am sometimes a clever girl (only sometimes)... so I thought I can do this...  So I've made a Spiced Rhubarb Rum Poke Cake. 

It's a lovely spiced cake with cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, nutmeg, vanilla and Falernum rum with the Rhubarb speckled throughout and a nice buttered rum caramel drizzled over the top. 

​Sometimes the answer to sadness is to bake.
 
Mom harvested some rhubarb from the garden and It brought me to mind of my grandmother … she showed love through food and more often than not pie. Rhubarb custard was one of her favorites to make (and my grandfather’s favorite to eat). I skipped the crust because the good stuff is the inside anyway, right?
 
This sort of turned out somewhere between a Dutch baby, a clafoutis and a crustless custard pie. I’ll skip right to the recipe and save the extensive thoughts for after, shall I?

It's often hard to know when you are making the right choice. Even when it comes to parking. Mom and I were reflecting on that earlier today. You see a spot and park and then as you are walking towards you see a better one, closer. Life is so often like that. We make choices based on the information we have available to us at the time.  Sometimes we realize we had better options but we've already committed. 

I'm working on a longer fun post about cheese but it's 11:30 and I'm only 3 cheeses in and it's going to take me a while. but within that coming post I also reflect on choices. I was working at a job that I liked with a boss I loved and left to go pursue my dreams of being an actor. What would have happened if I had stayed? Who knows.  I made the choice. 

I realize I posted on Instagram (give me a follow if you've not already), but not on here. Yesterday that I left my job at TJ Maxx. My physical pain was just too bad. I know leaving was the right choice. My body already feels better. I've never left a job without giving two weeks before, but I know I was endangering my physical and metal wellbeing by staying. And my focus now is health. My amazing friend Francisco contacted me shortly afterwards to join him at the gym and I had some therapeutic time in the hot tub and pool and that helped my joints and muscles immensely. 

So now I'm unemployed again. I know the right answer will present itself. I've applied for several things today and have a couple interviews lined up already for Monday. I'm going to try to look into Voice Over work and copywriting/freelance writing to supplement my income. 

It will be ok. 

Today I wandered a farmers market and garden nursery with my Mom, took a nap and planted some things in the garden it was just the therapy I needed. (I also applied for 6 jobs).

This post is in memory of one of my favorite bosses of all time Karen Sanderson from Brix Bottleshop. The picture is from when I was working Taste of Kalispell for Brix in 2014. Lots of Cheesy goodness!

I worked for Karen only one year (life is often filled with regrets and I sometimes wonder how things would have been different if I had stayed at Brix and not gone to L.A.... oh well)

Anyway... I've been going through old files and clearing out my computer space as well as my physical space. I found a list I had made for her about Cheeses we should get. So I thought I'd share... because... CHEESE! I've actually edited this down quite a lot believe it or not. Some of them were similar enough I thought I didn't need to list them all... but if you want more cheese recommendations let me know.

Try one of these delicious cheeses out soon. You'll be glad you did.  They are in no particular order. Some of these you can order directly from the makers, If not hopefully your local grocer or cheesemonger can hook you up.  I also recommend Murray's Cheese they have pretty much everything... and SHIPS! (I'm not affiliated but would love to be... hint hint.. nudge nudge... send me cheese please). You can also find an increasing amount of good cheese on Amazon. 

However, despite the pain there is much that I'm am thankful for.

Happy Saturday. 

There's a lot of S words I'm feeling (The top one because I wrote a big long thing and hit the wrong button and deleted it all)

My feelings: I hurt. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m really happy to be home.
 
The new job while relatively stress free is quite physical (which causes a little stress because I’m just not sure if I can handle it). It’s been a long time since I was on my feet all day for a job. I’ve had mostly desk related jobs for the last 6 years. There is lots of standing, walking, bending, twisting, lifting etc. involved. I feel it in every inch of my body. My ankle, hip, and back especially.

May is mental health awareness month. Acknowledging trauma, and then actually doing something about it are two different things. To do the work… is scary.
 
 To say that I’m floundering physically and mentally is an understatement. It’s better since coming home. It is. But it’s like a few steps in a very long journey. For me this whole year I’ve decided is about mental and physical health. I think the two are linked. So I’ll be working on both.