Sherman (Cat pictured) and I are indignant.  I start with a joke but really I'm livid this morning.

I'm on day 4 of flu. Its gross. A weird cold/flu hybrid that has me coughing, having hot and cold flashes, aches, runny nose, exhausted, faint, queasy, fevered... you know all the flu things. 

The New Year is off to a bumpy start. I seem to get sick twice a year. In January and around September... so sure enough, I'm down with it. Stress weakens the immune system and work has just been too darn stressful lately. Started with a cold, and now I've the flu on top of it. Blech. So now I'm drowning myself in Tea, Broth and Ginger Ale and trying to sleep it off.  I'm trying not to be completely miserable though, and am making an effort to be creative and connect. Which are two of my big focuses for the year. 

My new manager at work gave me a lovely set of gel pens for Christmas so I started a project of drawing flowers for friends. I love this because it lets me do both.  

I spent the last hour of 2017 in the bath with candles burning, music playing with the sound of fireworks booming around the neighborhood. I’m fighting a cold, with aching muscles from shoveling several feet of snow and wishing I could soak those ailments, and all the of poor life choices away. As the clock approached midnight Sia’s ‘Breathe Me’ came on my Pandora station. Pretty much the perfect song of how I’m feeling. I wish that upon rising up out of the water into 2018 all the problems washed down the drain, a clean start for a clean year… of course that's not how life works. I still have this stupid cold, work stress, debt, physical, and emotional pain, and seem to be perpetually single, always falling for men who can’t seem to love me back. I’d like to break these patterns. I’d like to find some level of peace and happiness and balance. I’d like to find love. I’ve never been kissed on New Years Eve… at least not by a boyfriend. On those new years where I’ve been in a relationship there’s always been some reason we weren’t together, one of us working, traveling… whatever. Its one of those bucket list things… be kissed, passionately by someone who I love, who loves me on New Years, to start the year with love. The past few years I’ve set all these high stakes, goals, and resolutions. It’s not worked out…. In fact its all fallen horribly apart. So I’m just going to work on being better, healing, moment by moment, bit by bit, finding balance, finding the new me in this new life, beyond the trauma of the last few years, finding some happiness, exploring ways of making art… and maybe, hopefully if I’m lucky, finding some love, and peace. Happy New Year. 

​Winter blahs. I’m struggling and not going to lie about it. Work isn’t going great, I kept hoping it would get better, that I’d find my groove, that I’d fit in, that I’d be doing and given a chance to do the things that I told them at the start that I’m good at. I’m not. I’m doing things I’m terrible at, math, codes, data entry, stuff that I told them from the start I’m bad at. Every day I feel like an idiot and am chastised for doing something wrong, not catching something I was supposed, to or not being fast enough, or whatever else I do wrong. I feel like I’m failing, every day. It’s exhausting and disheartening. The idea of finding something else is exhausting too. I own that I’m a perfectionist… that type A personality rears its head. If I don't do well at something rather quickly my instinct is to give up. I want a certain amount of ease and effortlessness in life and want my efforts and accomplishments acknowledged. This is a pattern throughout my life.  I’m trying to be better. Not take things personally, not care so much.  It’s been 6 months, so maybe it’s just not the right fit. I want it to be. I still feel like I’m learning the various programs and codes and layouts and it’s just a lot. I’m discouraged. I don’t like coming home defeated every night and being a depressed ball all weekend. Alone. It’s not good. 

​I’m on soup 4 on my journey. So far it’s been a journey of what’s on hand, using up odds and ends in the fridge and pantry. Tight budget yada yada…

​Beets are a favorite in my family. Sweet and earthy with beautiful color I love playing with beets in the kitchen.  Dad used to make Borscht and it was a soup I always enjoyed. His contained predominately beets, carrots, tomatoes and cabbage, he’d use chicken stock and he’d top it with a big scoop of sour cream.
 
I wanted to make a vegetarian/vegan version and up the heartiness and veggie content. It turned out amazing. Really I’m kind of in love with this stew. 

​Necessity is the mother of invention, so they say.
I’ve started this soup challenge… of course right now I’m broke so I’m limited to what is on hand in the fridge and pantry. So that means getting creative. 

​Winter has come in Montana. Mom has left for Borrego. I am alone, again. The snow falls down, the grief sets in, along with the anxiety of life choices and crippling self doubt.  I combat these dark hellish feelings with self-care as best I might:  do my nails, color, take baths, spend hours escaping into Netflix and Pinterest, and I cook. 

I love Sia. So many of her songs speak to me on a core level. I’ve been listing to my Pandora “Chill” station that features her a lot lately. (I made it public so if you want to check it out go here Erica's Chill Station) I have commitment issues with a lot of things but Pandora is forever. I’ve spent way to much time thumbing up and thumbing down and cultivating my stations.  Anyway I’m thinking of the song Elastic Heart tonight ( See Video) Song Lyrics are at the Bottom of the post.
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